it's too hot outside to masturbate.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
