Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
