so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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