I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
