i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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