I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
