The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
