we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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