I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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