Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
