I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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