dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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