Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
