Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
