How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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