they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
