i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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