Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
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To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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