I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
