I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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