Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
