i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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