Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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