Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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