She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
