I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
