he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
