so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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