I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
