Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
