Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
