If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
