When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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