I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
no, he came in my armpit
I think my fart just growled at me.
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.