Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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