We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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