let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
