chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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