I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
