That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
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Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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