The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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