bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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