Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize