This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
