Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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