I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My dick has a subreddit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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