just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i came on her dog
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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