Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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