Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
