Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
