just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's great music for shaving your balls
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
