By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I looked at my own cervix.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
