Someone shit on the floor
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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