We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
