Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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