You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
