I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
