nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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